And part 3 of ‘Who are you to God?’ (who-who-who-who) was I am a companion.  (Actually, it’s ‘Who am I to God’, but I prefer this way…)

Hence the sketch of what is basically the Buddy Christ from Dogma.  Cept in a T-shirt and jeans and with one enormous hand and one tiny.  Okay, so my proportions are off.  Sue me.

I have also written in big letters:  ‘We are not equals’ and ‘This is not a democracy’.

One thing that Brian (the pastor) said that I found really interesting though was that we are part of a rescue effort.  I loved that.  We are supposed to be a blessing to the people around us.  We are supposed to be who we were made to be and then help with the rescue effort.

I get so upset at Christians, far from being a help are a total hindrance, by focusing not on the needs of the people around them, but by becoming caught up in telling them what they’re doing wrong.

Newsflash: we are all fucked.  It’s only by God’s grace that we are saved.  Not by you refraining from sleeping with X,Y or Z or by you not swearing or not stealing or not cheating on your exams!

Anyway, seem to have strayed into preaching territory again.  The full sermon is here.

Sunday 18th August at Re:Hope was the second of the series on ‘Who are you to God?’  and every time someone says that title, I resist the urge to sing ‘Who who who who’.  Gotta love The Who.  Maybe I’ll just sing it next time just to see what happens…

Anyway, pretty foundational stuff.  Title was ‘Rescued’. This is what I ended up with in my sketchbook.  Doesn’t really speak about rescue in any way, does it? Maybe I’m going all emo again, although if I ever watch Twilight again, I hope a friend will beat me senseless.

Sermon can be found here.

New series at Re:Hope:

Today’s topic: I am Loved.  Which was timely for me.  My sketchbook contained such classics as:

This I can only imagine was related to God’s love.  Flamey flamey.  It was a few weeks ago now, so there might have been more to it.  I have written beside it: ‘LIE – God only loves you when you behave.’ So there you go.  Also this:

God is jealous.  And from this drawing, he’s also a drag queen with really pretty eyes (serving deity realness).

Sermon can be found on the Re:Hope website here.

Guess who got turned down for two jobs this week?  Neither were particularly good jobs and yet I still felt gutted.  This post is going all serious.  Sorryboutit.  We are so quick to feel rejected by others.  Or is it just me?

Something made me realise during the service on Sunday that I don’t really enjoy being loved.  It sounds crazy, but I finally understand that I perceive the love of others as a burden.  Something that I need to live up to, if not earn.  I feel that if someone loves me then I am responsible for them or that I will have to change myself.  Not that if I love THEM.  The other way round.  I find it very hard to accept the love of God.

How can I accept the unconditional love of God if I don’t want the responsibility of keeping Him happy and feel that I need to placate Him?  This is of course a nonsensical way to think.  God doesn’t need me at all.  He doesn’t need anything.

I am not alone in this.  We have all consistently had such a poor model of love from our parents and from others that we end up with a twisted perception of what love is and how it manifests.  For some, there’s debilitating guilt whenever we let the ones we love down.  For others, it’s love and abuse mixed up so that one cannot receive love at all. We all have gremlins lurking in our psyches.  They wreak havoc.  Without being able to receive love, how on earth can we hope to love others.  No wonder we’re so spiritually deafened to God’s constant screaming that He loves us.  To quote one of my heroes, the fierce RuPaul: ‘If you can’t love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love somebody else?’  Can I get an ‘Amen’ up in here?

On a retreat at The Bield last year, one of the other guests said something to me that I liked.  She said that what gets us through are the handholds of grace.  The little things that bring you life and help you to remember that you are not in this by yourself.  They help you to find the safe path through, if you make sure you look out for them and take them when you can.

This Sundays preaching from Darren at Re:Hope was on the subject of angels.  But I sketched nothing relevant to that subject.  Good message nonetheless and I did listen.  I have the notes to prove it.  Full sermon can be heard on the Re:Hope website.

Silence is necessary.

I am an introvert and I need times of quiet, but living in a small flat with my husband and a three year old daughter, I don’t really get them.  It has taken me 37 years to figure out that I don’t function well without times of quiet.  I don’t think anyone does, really.

We are not encouraged to have times of quiet.  I sometimes wonder if we are actively discouraged by our society and the powers that be.  Time of quiet is time to think and evaluate our lives.  Maybe when that happens we see things as they really are and we start to realise that we are being lied to… Sorry, wrong meeting!

I live in the city, I spend ridiculous amounts of time on the computer and I watch a daft amount of foolish shite on the TV.  Even when the electronics are switched off in my home, I live right beside a trainline and near a main road.  There is always noise.  ALWAYS.

We have lost the ability to sit and be still and NOT communicate.

I took up meditation and times of quiet last year.  I took a couple of days out and went to The Bield at Blackruthven, which is an amazing retreat centre near Perth.  I think I spent my first two hours there sobbing with the relief at being away from the trappings of my life and in a place where I felt at peace.  I waited.  And felt that God met me in that place.  Not because of the location (which is beautiful, by the way), but because I shut the fuck up and watched and listened instead of just moaning at Him about the circumstances of my life.

I try to discipline myself to switch off the babbling, idiot electrons and make time for silence.  I find that when I do that, I change and sometimes my circumstances change too (whether or not you believe that God intervenes in our lives directly).

This Sunday at Re:Hope, Darren Rusco spoke on the subject of waiting on the Lord.  It was timely.  I had lost sight of my need to shut up.  I’m going to start again.

My mum was with me.  She didn’t tell me off for drawing in church.